Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.