Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.