Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor