Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
jesus christ confetti not now
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me checking my bank balance online.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.