Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
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A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!