Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall