Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

A family that plays together cheats.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!