Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
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non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
had to share :’)
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp