Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
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Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
