Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
trivia
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Did a trash talking tree write this?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.