Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.