Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character