Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
making my dog give me my pills
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.