Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
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ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
one week till the election
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.