Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

Just a reminder, folks:

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

💀

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.