Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*