Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.