Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know