(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
went fishing caught a bass
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Same pineapple, same
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*