(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.