(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
#Caturday
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.