pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Order here:
More here:
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
