pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Mapping America’s Far Right
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
*cough*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
