pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
i- i did not expect this
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
