You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
HERE’S MARKY
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.