Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
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“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Warm pools make me nervous.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.