Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*