Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
You Might Also Like
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.