Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
aura
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone