Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator