Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.