[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I need to update my racial profile.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
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16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
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I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed