[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)