[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
long lost
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
✌🏽
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.