[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.