Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Geez man, take it easy.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.