Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

What do you hear?

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’