Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

For real 🤣

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.