Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.