Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.