Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.