Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
*dog tackles me from behind*
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Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*