He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
*dog tackles me from behind*
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Every Scooby-Doo mystery could be solved by asking, “1: Who is your most disgruntled employee?” and “2: Does he have access to a mask shop?”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
HER: so like, what are you into?
HER: no way, me too!
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, you and I have a lot in common.