@SirEvisiae

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

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@donni

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

@envydatropic

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

@DiabloJodi

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

@HysteriaBarbie

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

@Peauxtassium

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

@justmiche74

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

@batkaren

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

@Skoog

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

@Playing_Dad

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*