Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.