Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
🥴😂
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
