Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
you will never know the true number of layers
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
