Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Baller is short for ballerina
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
