Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Always a metermaid never a meter
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.