Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*