Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!