Pretty certain I can more drunk
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We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
found this cool rock hiking today
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?