Pretty certain I can more drunk
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Got him!
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon