Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

then why did i get this email

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.