Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
HR said no more nunchucks.
Simple
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.