Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.