Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

Spoiler Alert: I was late

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies