I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates