Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.

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On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.


Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.


I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.


me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does


If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.


MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this


Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind


Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,