Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
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I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Glasses
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out