Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
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Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
I can’t be the only one 😂
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run