Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

I was up all night reading about insomnia