Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
A new level of troll.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.