Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you