Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

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Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.


When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.


Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy


She told me she “literally died laughing,” and that’s when I realized she had to be a zombie and shot her in the face.


A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE


If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.


Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.


Me: What is it with this bottled water-

Reply Guy: Um, EXCUSE ME, don’t you mean “bottled dihydrogen monoxide”??