@CorkyKneivel

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

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@HogwartsLogics

Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.

@delusions_of

When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.

@Browtweaten

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

@Junk_Boat

She told me she “literally died laughing,” and that’s when I realized she had to be a zombie and shot her in the face.

@TragicAllyHere

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

@curlycomedy

If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.

@AmishPornStar1

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

@UnFitz

Me: What is it with this bottled water-

Reply Guy: Um, EXCUSE ME, don’t you mean “bottled dihydrogen monoxide”??