Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*