Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Hard not to take this personally

Facebook Twitter

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.