Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise