pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon