@hpb777

Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.

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@Dustinkcouch

her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.

@KeetPotato

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

@Parkerlawyer

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

@mylifesuckers

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

@mrtiredeyes

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

@causticbob

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

@SlenderSwab

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

@Donna_McCoy

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*