If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.
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Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Great. There go our Oreos.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.