@hpb777

Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.

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@JPLFR80

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

@NicestHippo

Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
“No!”
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
“Indiana”
[jury gasps]

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

@Melchievous

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

@cepheusjackson

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

@ScaryMommy

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

@awkwardenabled

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

@pilau

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

@Swishergirl24

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.