@hpb777

Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.

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@Gupton68

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

@sammyrhodes

Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.

@DavePrimeau

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

@BackrowSeats

Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.

@FatherWithTwins

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

@socarolinesays

I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water

@Odiegirl9

What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?

Me: The audacity.

@SortaBad

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

@WillMckenzieNot

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”