Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.

You Might Also Like


If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.


Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
[jury gasps]


Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.


“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.


“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”



ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.


“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood


I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died


me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail


Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.