her: i just got a call from my doctor
me: what did he say
her: that we got a baby coming
me: but we haven’t had sex
her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.
Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.
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wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*