Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
person: how long does it take to get there?
me: 3 songs
Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.