you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
ME: seen the loch ness monster?
HER: it’s not real
M: *unzips pants* wanna bet?
H: *rolls eyes* sure
M: k i’ll pee and then we’ll google it
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
When 2 Chainz doesn’t want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.
I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.