@TheNardvark

Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.

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@yoiain

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

@TheHyyyype

ME: seen the loch ness monster?
HER: it’s not real
M: *unzips pants* wanna bet?
H: *rolls eyes* sure
M: k i’ll pee and then we’ll google it

@TheWeirdWorld

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

@iwearaonesie

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

@LoveNLunchmeat

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

@iGreenGod

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

@CoriTheUnicorn

When 2 Chainz doesn’t want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.

@theshamingofjay

I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.