Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Morning.

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.