Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
The real reason evolution started..😂
How your email finds me
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?